1. So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day.Look at the bright side, it's really good pay.

2. My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat.
When I looked at the tire. I noticed your cat. Sorry!

3. You had your bladder removed and you're on the mend. Here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends.

4. "Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What the hell was I thinking?"

5. "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."

6. "How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby?"

7. "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."

8. "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that
you're not here to ruin it for me."

9. "If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."

10. "As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts
you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."

11. "Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go,would you like to take this knife out of my back.

12. "When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

13. "I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."

14. "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."

15. "Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"