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Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his
shoes.
That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away -
and you'll have his shoes.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad
memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one
you've never tried before.
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a
glance.
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that
life is serious.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the
wrinkles out of my face.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite
government program.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably
need the trip.
Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass
your way again.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of
checks.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts
feel so good.
Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
Junk is something you throw away three weeks before
you need it.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural
stupidity.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any
more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to
recognize a mistake when you make it again.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the
ends.
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Someone who thinks logically provides a nice
contrast to the real world.
I believe the only time the world beats a path to my
door is when I'm in the bathroom.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for
they shall never cease to be amused.
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